The San Diego Padres Are Officially The Best At Being The Worst

image

After getting swept by the Dodgers and shutout in all three games the San Diego Padres are the first team in the 100+ year history of Major League Baseball to be shut out in 3 straight games to open a season. The previous record was 26 consecutive scoreless innings by the St. Louis Cardinals to open the 1943 campaign (those Cardinals incidently went on to win 105 games, but thats irrelevant in our case). This comes fresh on the heals of their 15-0 Opening Day fiasco, which is now the most lopsided shutout in MLB Opening Day history. The previous record holder you ask? The Pittsburgh Pirates trounced the Cincinnati Reds 14-0 pm Opening Day…in 1911. 105 fucking years ago. This is just poor baseball.

This weekend the Padres head to Denver for the Rockies home opener. If they can not sonehow, someway scratch a few runs across in Coors Field this weekend I nominate the Padres for relegation. Send the entire organization to El Paso and call up the Chihuahuas to San Diego. Make the Padres earn their way back to Major Leagues because they definitely dont deserve to be there. I’ve joked for years that the Padres are a Quadruple A baseball team but this is worse than Quadruple A. Im not even sure this is Triple A level baseball.

I didnt expect the Padres to be any good in 2016, but this? This is flat out unacceptable. Silver lining is that there should be plenty of good seats available this year.

Terror in Brussels

image

Belgium remains on high alert following Tuesday’s horrific attacks in Brussels that has left 34 dead and at least another 250 wounded so far

Here we are again. One more time. Replaying that same old tired song and dance. Another horrific tragedy on Western soil. Innocent civilians going about their day-to-day bullshit only to have their lives completely and irreversibly torn to pieces. Chaos.

It seems obvious that in the coming days and weeks there will be cries from many EU member states to tighten border controls and to cease the flow of refugees into Europe. And that line of thinking has merit. The recent uptick of terrorist incursions on European soil seems to undeniably coincide with the surge of refugees hitting EU shores. But turning away the tired, the poor, the huddled masses of humanity attempting to escape an otherworldly hellscape is not the answer. Rejecting people and sending them back to survive in a war zone because the West refuses to help is a great recruiting tool for those that wish to do us harm.

It would, no doubt, be supremely satisfiying to go full John McClain and paint the Middle East red with the blood of heathens and cowards, but that would merely be a fool’s errand of vengeance. Fighting terrorism is like trying to stomp out cockroaches, as soon as you have thus area over here somewhat under control, they pop up over there. Using drones and arial bombardments are effective but only to a point and everytime one of our wayward cruise missles hits an “innocent” village or goat herder a whole new crop of jihadi fighters is born.

I dont even know what to say anymore. This just keeps happening like its on fucking repeat and Im not sure what the answer is or if there even is an answer anymore.

Sometimes it’s Best to Let The Chosen People Choose for Us

I was booking a car service for an airport pick up in NYC to take me to a wedding in NJ. I’m not made of internet dollars so I did some shopping around and whatnot and stumbled upon what seemed to be a pretty great deal. But not so fast my friends, I refuse to be lampooned by some huckster NYC car service firm. I start searching aroud the interwebs for reviews and find a pretty solid collection of good reviews on The Facebook. With my confidence starting to grow and the decisions slowly being made I decided that I should investigate the profile’s of some of the people that have been leaving 5 star reviews just to, you know, make sure they’re real, actual, alive and well humans. I clicked on the first review at random with the innocuous name and the first thing that popped up on her page was this :

this is her profile pic, you’ll see why this is important in a second

Ok so she’s definitely a real person, lets randomly check another one of our 5 star reviewers:

 

JewishReviewers

I’m starting to notice a trend developing

Alright then, most certainly another very real person offering up 5 start reviews, I’m starting to feel pretty good about using this service, but lets just check one more to be safe:

JewishReviewers

Boom! Shlomi Asraf making big time recommendations! No joke, after seeing these three reviews I booked the car and put my credit card down up front. When you’re shopping around for a customer service related bargain in the NYC area and you see not one, not two but three Jews giving rave reviews you stop the search right then and there because you have found the deal you’re looking for. Couldn’t even begin to tell you how confident I am that I just hired possibly the greatest budget car service in the Tri-State are. The Chosen People have spoken!

#BearSelfie Is A New Thing That Could Only Possibly End Well

image

San Diego UT – Having a smart phone doesn’t necessarily make a person smart. In fact, the device seems to make some people just plain dumb. Case in point. Bear selfies. In fact, stopping to take a picture of oneself while a large, powerful mammal that could rip you to shreds in seconds lurks close behind, has become such a popular thing to do that the U.S. Forest Service officials in South Lake Tahoe are warning the shutterbugs to stop. Because it’s dangerous, people! “We’ve had mobs of people that are actually rushing toward the bears trying to get a ‘selfie’ photo,”  The Taylor Creek area of Lake Tahoe is a popular place for visitors and is also the site of the fall fish festival, a family event that includes fish painting, a treasure hunt, mascots Lulu the Lahontan Cutthroat Trout and Sandy and Rocky Salmon, the Bumble Bee ice cream truck and the ever popular giant inflatable fish. Visitors are even pulling their cars over along state Route 89 and venturing off the road and off trails to get the snapshots of the wild creatures. It has gotten so bad that officials are threatening to shut down the area. “It is presenting a safety issue,” Herron told the paper. “We are afraid someone is going to get attacked.” According to the Forest Service, there are 25,000 to 30,000 black bears in California. A male bear can weigh as much as 500 pounds and run as fast as 35 mph.

 

This supposedly some new trend among attention whores on on the internet, to stop and turn your back on a bear in the wild so you can take (an admittedly fucking bad ass) selfie for Instagram. I say supposedly because this has the feeling of one of those things where in reality only a handful of people actually did it but Old Media gets confused by The Al GoreTube Network and next thing you know taking selfies with apex predators in the wild becomes a “trend”. But lets assume this really is a thing that is indeed a trend among people who have regular access to wild black bears, I think we can all agree that these people are lunatics. That bear might look docile and whatever just chillin eating some berries and grubs but if he decides he wants to eat you he can. I’m no bear expert but I would think if he wanted you as a snack or if he was just doing Darwin’s dirty work because you annoyed him I would imagine the perfect time would be when this dumbass, unarmed, pork chop lookin mothafucker with an iphone turns it’s back. And when someone inevitably gets mauled by a bear thats trying to get every last bit of easy protein before turning in for the winter can we all agree that it should not have to be hunted down and shot? Like I get that’s our normal response to animals that eat a human and normally I understand and support that thinking but this is different. I feel like anytime you stop and do something inconsiderate, dangerous or just not smart all in the name of taking a selfie, whatever happens to you is on you. The laws and conventions of society are suspended for however long you’re self-indulgence takes.

PS –

How about that Fall Fish Festival huh? Treasure Hunts, Lulu the Cutthroat Trout and the ever popular giant inflatable fish?! And they have fish painting! I have no idea what fish painting is or how it works but I assume it has something to do with both painting and a fish, maybe you paint pictures for the fish? Or of the fish? or maybe with the fish, like you use the fish as a brush to paint? So so so sooo many possibilities at the South Tahoe Fall Fish Fest.

Street Urchins Calling Themselves “Urban Travelers” Is Utterly Ridiculous

LA Times – To him, it’s another day on the streets. Some call him an “urban traveler,” “a crust punk” or worse. He and others like him — mostly young, homeless people who often travel in groups — roam beach cities begging for money, sleeping under the stars and trying to survive. They’re vexing to tourist-dependent spots from San Francisco to San Diego, where officials complain their gritty edge and sometimes violent tendencies intimidate locals and turn visitors off. “They can be very aggressive and very disruptive,” said San Diego City Councilman Ed Harris, who represents Ocean Beach, where homeless youth congregate on the sea wall, sleep on the beach and light illegal campfires. They’re not drawn exclusively to the West Coast but to other cities perceived as “cool,” such as Minneapolis-St. Paul; Denver; Portland, Ore.; and Seattle.

“Urban Travelers”! Ha! Yo, fuck these street urchins directly in their stupid road-grimy homeless faces. They’re a fucking scourge on society. I live in Ocean Beach and I understand why a person would choose to come here but guess what? Nobody wants to have to wake up and have a job and go make fucking money but we do because that’s how society works.  If you have zero interest in really contributing to society that’s fine, just go do it in the woods in Montana or Alaska or somewhere like that. Don’t be doing it in a place full of people who actually work to live there and then have the goddamn audacity to get all huffy when I tell you to stop sleeping in my fucking driveway. I can tell you first hand that there is always, 100% of the time a fairly sizable group of all variety of miscreants, hobos, urchins and junkies congregating and aggressively begging for money, playing shitty music on their  guitars and attempting to sell nickle bags of shitty, shitty weed along the sea wall. Get the fuck outta my face with this shit.  Seriously these “people” aren’t much higher than the common street rats they sleep next to every night.

PS –

The only time i do feel bad is when the vagrant has a dog but even then I only feel bad for the dog. The pup didnt choose to have a scumbag as an owner.

Lets Take A Look Back At The Time LA Sheriff’s Raided Justin Bieber’s House Looking For Eggs

editor’s note: this is a blog that I wrote way back when this happened (sometime in February I think?) but just never posted for some reason but I feel like the week of Halloween is a good time to post a story about a house getting egged.

LA Times – Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputies are serving a felony search warrant at the Calabasas residence of singer Justin Bieber in connection to an investigation into an egging incident at his neighbor’s home.  Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said eight people are being detained inside Bieber’s home, including the singer.  Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputies are serving a felony search warrant at the Calabasas residence of singer Justin Bieber in connection to an investigation into an egging incident at his neighbor’s home.  Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said eight people are being detained inside Bieber’s home, including the singer.  Whitmore said the egging incident was determined to be a felony because it caused several thousand dollars worth of damage. Nagelmann said the neighbor told deputies he had seen Bieber throwing the eggs. The offense in the initial police report is listed as misdemeanor vandalism, according to the Sheriff’s Department.  Authorities said it was unknown what prompted the egging.

So this is the big news of Tuesday morning in the Los Angeles Times.  Just splashed all over their website. Which I’m going to take as great news because it obviously means that all of the other problems in the greater-LA area have apparently been solved.  You can sleep with doors unlocked tonight Los Angeles! All crime has been solved.

That being said, as the pre-eminent smut blogger in the American Southwest I would not be fullfilling the office I was sworn into if I didnt mention this because to be quite honest this whole thing a bit perplexing.  First off how the hell do you even rack up several grand in property damage throwing eggs?  I mean I knew that pop royalty like The Biebs are goign to have access to the finer things in life but what was he throwing, Elephant Bird eggs?  Really nice to see that the Sheriffs didnt over react or anything with a dawn raid on Casa de Biebs in search of, eggs I guess?

 

‘Oh Canada’ Had Never Given Me Chills Before Yesterday

an absolutely marvelous job by the Pittsburgh Pengiuns crowd last night singing ‘Oh Canada’, chills up my spine and tears in my eyes

 

By now I assume most people in the world with an internet connection know what has transpired in Canada the last few days. Two Canadian service-members murdered on their Native Soil while a third recovers in the hospital. If it wasnt for the incredibly decisive and brave actions of Canadian Parliament Sergeant-at-Arms Kevin Vickers, who shot the terrorist dead in the halls of Parliament, this could have been a massacre on a truly horrifying scale. Mr. Vickers is being lauded as a Canadian hero today and rightfully so. With the full parliament in session and the PM in the building, today could have had a much different narrative were it not for the heroics of Mr. Vickers.

As I write this it seems that both of these attacks were carried out by natural born Canadian jihadist (possibly self-radicalized). The driver of the car (I steadfastly refuse to mention the names of these assholes) that ran down the two soldiers in Quebec on Tuesday had converted to Islam, had his Canadian passport revoked for attempting to travel to Turkey, his social media footprint features a heavy-handed dose of Islamic State propoganda and he was on a Terror Watch List. It is becoming more and more clear now that Wednesday’s shooter was at the very least influenced by ISIS, as he had also had his Canadian passport revoked to prevent him from traveling abroad and had been placed on a Watch List.

Who the fuck attacks Canada? They’re like our little brother to the North. They never bothered anybody. These motherfucking Jihadis are really starting to piss me right the fuck off. I get it when you come after Good Old ‘Murica, we’re the imperialists. Some pretty horrific things have been done around the globe in the name of Uncle Sam. So while I do not appreciate nor do I encourage all this Islamist hate towards us, fundamentally I get it. Same goes for the Brits who are the OG Imperialists on the block and are pretty much always down to get into a brawl with someone on our behalf. In that sense the UK is like a friend’s older brother who doesnt really want to join in but just cant stand the thought of sitting on the sidelines. Australia has recently made a handful of terrorist arrests and even that makes some sense, Australia is basically America’s awesome drinking buddy that you call at midnight yelling about how we have to go fuck some dude up and Australia just asks that we pick them up on the way. But Canada? The fuck has Canada ever done to anyone other that kick their ass in hockey? Canada has been our reluctant sidekick through all this. They dont necessarily want to join us but their options are somewhat geographically limited. I love Canada for who and what they: super polite friendly people, breathtaking landscapes of The Great White North, socialized medicine, motherfucking poutine, the home of the finest French whores on this side of the Atlantic, and hockey.

I watched last year as my hometown Boston was disrupted by cowardly attacks at The Marathon finish line on Patriots’ Day and as the nation of Canada begins the process of healing itself while coming to terms with their collective loss of innocence in the age of global terrorism we here at One Last Line stand in solidarity with our neighbors to the North. #CanadaStrong

Please take a moment to say a quick word for the fallen:
Cpl Nathan Cirillo
Cpl Nathan Cirillo
Warrant Officer Patrice Vincent