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Terror in Brussels

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Belgium remains on high alert following Tuesday’s horrific attacks in Brussels that has left 34 dead and at least another 250 wounded so far

Here we are again. One more time. Replaying that same old tired song and dance. Another horrific tragedy on Western soil. Innocent civilians going about their day-to-day bullshit only to have their lives completely and irreversibly torn to pieces. Chaos.

It seems obvious that in the coming days and weeks there will be cries from many EU member states to tighten border controls and to cease the flow of refugees into Europe. And that line of thinking has merit. The recent uptick of terrorist incursions on European soil seems to undeniably coincide with the surge of refugees hitting EU shores. But turning away the tired, the poor, the huddled masses of humanity attempting to escape an otherworldly hellscape is not the answer. Rejecting people and sending them back to survive in a war zone because the West refuses to help is a great recruiting tool for those that wish to do us harm.

It would, no doubt, be supremely satisfiying to go full John McClain and paint the Middle East red with the blood of heathens and cowards, but that would merely be a fool’s errand of vengeance. Fighting terrorism is like trying to stomp out cockroaches, as soon as you have thus area over here somewhat under control, they pop up over there. Using drones and arial bombardments are effective but only to a point and everytime one of our wayward cruise missles hits an “innocent” village or goat herder a whole new crop of jihadi fighters is born.

I dont even know what to say anymore. This just keeps happening like its on fucking repeat and Im not sure what the answer is or if there even is an answer anymore.

Sometimes it’s Best to Let The Chosen People Choose for Us

I was booking a car service for an airport pick up in NYC to take me to a wedding in NJ. I’m not made of internet dollars so I did some shopping around and whatnot and stumbled upon what seemed to be a pretty great deal. But not so fast my friends, I refuse to be lampooned by some huckster NYC car service firm. I start searching aroud the interwebs for reviews and find a pretty solid collection of good reviews on The Facebook. With my confidence starting to grow and the decisions slowly being made I decided that I should investigate the profile’s of some of the people that have been leaving 5 star reviews just to, you know, make sure they’re real, actual, alive and well humans. I clicked on the first review at random with the innocuous name and the first thing that popped up on her page was this :

this is her profile pic, you’ll see why this is important in a second

Ok so she’s definitely a real person, lets randomly check another one of our 5 star reviewers:

 

JewishReviewers

I’m starting to notice a trend developing

Alright then, most certainly another very real person offering up 5 start reviews, I’m starting to feel pretty good about using this service, but lets just check one more to be safe:

JewishReviewers

Boom! Shlomi Asraf making big time recommendations! No joke, after seeing these three reviews I booked the car and put my credit card down up front. When you’re shopping around for a customer service related bargain in the NYC area and you see not one, not two but three Jews giving rave reviews you stop the search right then and there because you have found the deal you’re looking for. Couldn’t even begin to tell you how confident I am that I just hired possibly the greatest budget car service in the Tri-State are. The Chosen People have spoken!

Lets Take A Look Back At The Time LA Sheriff’s Raided Justin Bieber’s House Looking For Eggs

editor’s note: this is a blog that I wrote way back when this happened (sometime in February I think?) but just never posted for some reason but I feel like the week of Halloween is a good time to post a story about a house getting egged.

LA Times – Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputies are serving a felony search warrant at the Calabasas residence of singer Justin Bieber in connection to an investigation into an egging incident at his neighbor’s home.  Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said eight people are being detained inside Bieber’s home, including the singer.  Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputies are serving a felony search warrant at the Calabasas residence of singer Justin Bieber in connection to an investigation into an egging incident at his neighbor’s home.  Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said eight people are being detained inside Bieber’s home, including the singer.  Whitmore said the egging incident was determined to be a felony because it caused several thousand dollars worth of damage. Nagelmann said the neighbor told deputies he had seen Bieber throwing the eggs. The offense in the initial police report is listed as misdemeanor vandalism, according to the Sheriff’s Department.  Authorities said it was unknown what prompted the egging.

So this is the big news of Tuesday morning in the Los Angeles Times.  Just splashed all over their website. Which I’m going to take as great news because it obviously means that all of the other problems in the greater-LA area have apparently been solved.  You can sleep with doors unlocked tonight Los Angeles! All crime has been solved.

That being said, as the pre-eminent smut blogger in the American Southwest I would not be fullfilling the office I was sworn into if I didnt mention this because to be quite honest this whole thing a bit perplexing.  First off how the hell do you even rack up several grand in property damage throwing eggs?  I mean I knew that pop royalty like The Biebs are goign to have access to the finer things in life but what was he throwing, Elephant Bird eggs?  Really nice to see that the Sheriffs didnt over react or anything with a dawn raid on Casa de Biebs in search of, eggs I guess?

 

‘Oh Canada’ Had Never Given Me Chills Before Yesterday

an absolutely marvelous job by the Pittsburgh Pengiuns crowd last night singing ‘Oh Canada’, chills up my spine and tears in my eyes

 

By now I assume most people in the world with an internet connection know what has transpired in Canada the last few days. Two Canadian service-members murdered on their Native Soil while a third recovers in the hospital. If it wasnt for the incredibly decisive and brave actions of Canadian Parliament Sergeant-at-Arms Kevin Vickers, who shot the terrorist dead in the halls of Parliament, this could have been a massacre on a truly horrifying scale. Mr. Vickers is being lauded as a Canadian hero today and rightfully so. With the full parliament in session and the PM in the building, today could have had a much different narrative were it not for the heroics of Mr. Vickers.

As I write this it seems that both of these attacks were carried out by natural born Canadian jihadist (possibly self-radicalized). The driver of the car (I steadfastly refuse to mention the names of these assholes) that ran down the two soldiers in Quebec on Tuesday had converted to Islam, had his Canadian passport revoked for attempting to travel to Turkey, his social media footprint features a heavy-handed dose of Islamic State propoganda and he was on a Terror Watch List. It is becoming more and more clear now that Wednesday’s shooter was at the very least influenced by ISIS, as he had also had his Canadian passport revoked to prevent him from traveling abroad and had been placed on a Watch List.

Who the fuck attacks Canada? They’re like our little brother to the North. They never bothered anybody. These motherfucking Jihadis are really starting to piss me right the fuck off. I get it when you come after Good Old ‘Murica, we’re the imperialists. Some pretty horrific things have been done around the globe in the name of Uncle Sam. So while I do not appreciate nor do I encourage all this Islamist hate towards us, fundamentally I get it. Same goes for the Brits who are the OG Imperialists on the block and are pretty much always down to get into a brawl with someone on our behalf. In that sense the UK is like a friend’s older brother who doesnt really want to join in but just cant stand the thought of sitting on the sidelines. Australia has recently made a handful of terrorist arrests and even that makes some sense, Australia is basically America’s awesome drinking buddy that you call at midnight yelling about how we have to go fuck some dude up and Australia just asks that we pick them up on the way. But Canada? The fuck has Canada ever done to anyone other that kick their ass in hockey? Canada has been our reluctant sidekick through all this. They dont necessarily want to join us but their options are somewhat geographically limited. I love Canada for who and what they: super polite friendly people, breathtaking landscapes of The Great White North, socialized medicine, motherfucking poutine, the home of the finest French whores on this side of the Atlantic, and hockey.

I watched last year as my hometown Boston was disrupted by cowardly attacks at The Marathon finish line on Patriots’ Day and as the nation of Canada begins the process of healing itself while coming to terms with their collective loss of innocence in the age of global terrorism we here at One Last Line stand in solidarity with our neighbors to the North. #CanadaStrong

Please take a moment to say a quick word for the fallen:
Cpl Nathan Cirillo
Cpl Nathan Cirillo
Warrant Officer Patrice Vincent

Can We Talk About Bucket Lists For a Minute?

 before I die I must obtain a bucket of puppies, no if’s ands or buts about it

I have to get something off of my chest that may not be the most popular opinion on the block: I hate Bucket Lists. Or I guess what I really want to say is that if you use the term “Bucket List” there is a 216% chance that I hate you and everything you stand for. Now don’t get it twisted, I get the concept and purpose behind a list of the things in life we’d like to accomplish before we shuffle off this mortal coil. I still think it’s kind of goofy to actually sit down and write down a list but fundamentally I understand it. But to actually walk around discussing it and referring to it as a “Bucket List” is just beyond comprehension. Nobody has used the phrase “kicked the bucket” since at least 1936 and nobody will again anytime soon. If you have to discuss your pre-death plans and therefore must call it something lets all agree to  call it something a tad more descriptive, perhaps “Death Prep List” or “I Just Realized How Mortality Works List”.

Royals vs Giants World Series Preview

After what seems like an eternity between baseball games the World Series kicks off tonight in Kansas City with what should be an absolutely electric crowd at Kauffman Stadium. So before first pitch tonight lets have a little preview of the 2014 World Series.

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“A Grown Man Cupped My Balls Today” A Nonfiction Short Story

 

I was at the doctors today, just in for some routine periodic maintenance and we’re chatting away having a grand old time discussing cholesterol and Body Mass Index and whatnot. As our little morning rendezvous slowly wound down to its conclusion he tells me that it’s probably a good idea to do a check for testicular cancer and then gives me the option of having him feel me up in the name of cancer research or to, you know, not have an adult man touch my no-no area. With the cost of health insurance these days I’d be a fool not to take up this chance for a free medical procedure so I dropped trow and told him to have at it. Doctor grabbed my balls and then told me what I should be checking for myself. Describing how my balls should feel. MY OWN BALLS! Look doc, I don’t know much. The square root of 1374? not a clue in the world. the capital of Uzbekistan? Your guess is as good as mine. But there is one thing I know for certain in this world and it’s what my own balls feel like. Trust me I’ll say something if it ever changes. Then he tells me that I should check myself once a week. Ha! I don’t know what planet this guy is from but I’ve “checked myself for cancer” multiple times a day for literally the entire span of my memory on Earth.

PS –

I one time woke up and had a weird looking, hard lump on my sack. It took me less then 5 minutes of self-deliberation before I jumped in the car and drove myself to the ER. Spent like 5 hours waiting around for them to tell me it was an ingrown hair. Still have no regrets over spending all of that time in the ER and possibly contracting West Nile or Bird Flu or whatever the Ebola of 2012 was.