Can We Talk About Bucket Lists For a Minute?

 before I die I must obtain a bucket of puppies, no if’s ands or buts about it

I have to get something off of my chest that may not be the most popular opinion on the block: I hate Bucket Lists. Or I guess what I really want to say is that if you use the term “Bucket List” there is a 216% chance that I hate you and everything you stand for. Now don’t get it twisted, I get the concept and purpose behind a list of the things in life we’d like to accomplish before we shuffle off this mortal coil. I still think it’s kind of goofy to actually sit down and write down a list but fundamentally I understand it. But to actually walk around discussing it and referring to it as a “Bucket List” is just beyond comprehension. Nobody has used the phrase “kicked the bucket” since at least 1936 and nobody will again anytime soon. If you have to discuss your pre-death plans and therefore must call it something lets all agree to  call it something a tad more descriptive, perhaps “Death Prep List” or “I Just Realized How Mortality Works List”.

Whats The O/U on Pounds of BBQ That Big Papi and The Big Hurt Are Going To Crush in KC?

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Big Papi just casually taking a selfish with Big Hurt while wearing roughly $100,000 worth of diamonds on his left hand/wrist. His left hand is definitely worth more money than my life. The real question is which ring is he wearing? I hope it’s the 2004.

PS –
For those of you that will want to point out the Large Father doesn’t know how to selfie because clearly a third party took that picture just do me a favor go back and read his tweet again. He’s taking a selfish which is when someone takes a picture of you taking a selfie which is a thing me and David Ortiz just invented.

Royals vs Giants World Series Preview

After what seems like an eternity between baseball games the World Series kicks off tonight in Kansas City with what should be an absolutely electric crowd at Kauffman Stadium. So before first pitch tonight lets have a little preview of the 2014 World Series.

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“A Grown Man Cupped My Balls Today” A Nonfiction Short Story

 

I was at the doctors today, just in for some routine periodic maintenance and we’re chatting away having a grand old time discussing cholesterol and Body Mass Index and whatnot. As our little morning rendezvous slowly wound down to its conclusion he tells me that it’s probably a good idea to do a check for testicular cancer and then gives me the option of having him feel me up in the name of cancer research or to, you know, not have an adult man touch my no-no area. With the cost of health insurance these days I’d be a fool not to take up this chance for a free medical procedure so I dropped trow and told him to have at it. Doctor grabbed my balls and then told me what I should be checking for myself. Describing how my balls should feel. MY OWN BALLS! Look doc, I don’t know much. The square root of 1374? not a clue in the world. the capital of Uzbekistan? Your guess is as good as mine. But there is one thing I know for certain in this world and it’s what my own balls feel like. Trust me I’ll say something if it ever changes. Then he tells me that I should check myself once a week. Ha! I don’t know what planet this guy is from but I’ve “checked myself for cancer” multiple times a day for literally the entire span of my memory on Earth.

PS –

I one time woke up and had a weird looking, hard lump on my sack. It took me less then 5 minutes of self-deliberation before I jumped in the car and drove myself to the ER. Spent like 5 hours waiting around for them to tell me it was an ingrown hair. Still have no regrets over spending all of that time in the ER and possibly contracting West Nile or Bird Flu or whatever the Ebola of 2012 was.

Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One Before: I’m Back!

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! It is henceforth proclaimed that on the Twenty-First Day of October in the Year of Our Lord Two-Thousand and Fourteen Anno Domini that One Last Line is once again anchors aweigh and setting sail for the open waters of the internet. So get ready because I’m back at it is I guess what I’m trying way too hard to say.

To prove that we’re really back and to remind everyone what we should be in store for here in our little corner of the internet here’s the best minute you’ll have on the (non-porn) interwebs today:

the song is ‘I Can’t Stand’ by Ricky Hil and it is fucking dope! As for the video it’s maybe NSFW? I’m not sure. There’s no nips or anything but it is super fucking hot. Enjoy:

PS –

If you’re interested in the three previous installments of “The blog is back up and running!” series here they are:

The Second Re-Launch

Our Re-Launch

One Last Line’s Initial Launch

Fixies with No Brakes

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I actually had the misfortune of over hearing one hipster telling another about how he used to own a fixie with no brakes. The other hipster then responded that that’s how all fixies should be. The line of logic I believe at play here is that being able to stop the vehicle a person is currently taddling atop while cruising around a metropolitan area that located mostly on the sides and peaks pf various hills is super confprmist and being a blood stain at the base of any of these hills is awesomely ironic. Fucking christ man, I hate to be the one that says it but these people need to go and just right properly fuck off. Why would you ever want a thing like brakes when you can just blow through four way intersections and buy a new pair of canverse every other week because the soles fell out. Which is super hip, you guys.

The thing of it is I wasn’t even in South Park or Golden Hill when this happened. That kind of thing I understand, my tolerance for hipster bullshit goes way up whenever Im forced into those nieghborhoods. It would be like going to Hillcrest and complaining about dudes holding hands in front of Rich’s or being upset at the sight of homeless people at the end of the OB Pier. But this, no this was dt in Litaly. In front of the Ballast Point Tasting Room.  Tell you what though I honestly hope this bag of mush gets his wish and all fixie bicycles have their brakes removed. Nothing says non-conformist like SDPD scaping a tangled mess of skinny jeans, mustache wax, a fixed gear bike and a banjo off of the back of an MTS bus parked at the bottom of B Street Hill.

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pictured: B St Hill

Rocio Miranda Is What I Dream All South American Women’s Asses Are Like

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if looks could kill, they probably will

Dat ass! Good jumpin Jesus this girl, this girl right here is Rocio Miranda and she just redefines what an amazing latina ass should look like.  Just perfect.  The crazy part is that she finished 2nd in Miss Reef 2011 (I swear to you I will track down who beat her out, that I have GOT to see) and lists modeling as her hobby.  Yup, this is just what she does ont he side for shits and giggles.  Her full time profession is as a Voleibolista, which since I dont speak spanish can only assume is some combination of serving coffee while having a volleyball shaped butt. She’s probably really really good at that job.

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