Category Archives: Animals

#BearSelfie Is A New Thing That Could Only Possibly End Well

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San Diego UT – Having a smart phone doesn’t necessarily make a person smart. In fact, the device seems to make some people just plain dumb. Case in point. Bear selfies. In fact, stopping to take a picture of oneself while a large, powerful mammal that could rip you to shreds in seconds lurks close behind, has become such a popular thing to do that the U.S. Forest Service officials in South Lake Tahoe are warning the shutterbugs to stop. Because it’s dangerous, people! “We’ve had mobs of people that are actually rushing toward the bears trying to get a ‘selfie’ photo,”  The Taylor Creek area of Lake Tahoe is a popular place for visitors and is also the site of the fall fish festival, a family event that includes fish painting, a treasure hunt, mascots Lulu the Lahontan Cutthroat Trout and Sandy and Rocky Salmon, the Bumble Bee ice cream truck and the ever popular giant inflatable fish. Visitors are even pulling their cars over along state Route 89 and venturing off the road and off trails to get the snapshots of the wild creatures. It has gotten so bad that officials are threatening to shut down the area. “It is presenting a safety issue,” Herron told the paper. “We are afraid someone is going to get attacked.” According to the Forest Service, there are 25,000 to 30,000 black bears in California. A male bear can weigh as much as 500 pounds and run as fast as 35 mph.

 

This supposedly some new trend among attention whores on on the internet, to stop and turn your back on a bear in the wild so you can take (an admittedly fucking bad ass) selfie for Instagram. I say supposedly because this has the feeling of one of those things where in reality only a handful of people actually did it but Old Media gets confused by The Al GoreTube Network and next thing you know taking selfies with apex predators in the wild becomes a “trend”. But lets assume this really is a thing that is indeed a trend among people who have regular access to wild black bears, I think we can all agree that these people are lunatics. That bear might look docile and whatever just chillin eating some berries and grubs but if he decides he wants to eat you he can. I’m no bear expert but I would think if he wanted you as a snack or if he was just doing Darwin’s dirty work because you annoyed him I would imagine the perfect time would be when this dumbass, unarmed, pork chop lookin mothafucker with an iphone turns it’s back. And when someone inevitably gets mauled by a bear thats trying to get every last bit of easy protein before turning in for the winter can we all agree that it should not have to be hunted down and shot? Like I get that’s our normal response to animals that eat a human and normally I understand and support that thinking but this is different. I feel like anytime you stop and do something inconsiderate, dangerous or just not smart all in the name of taking a selfie, whatever happens to you is on you. The laws and conventions of society are suspended for however long you’re self-indulgence takes.

PS –

How about that Fall Fish Festival huh? Treasure Hunts, Lulu the Cutthroat Trout and the ever popular giant inflatable fish?! And they have fish painting! I have no idea what fish painting is or how it works but I assume it has something to do with both painting and a fish, maybe you paint pictures for the fish? Or of the fish? or maybe with the fish, like you use the fish as a brush to paint? So so so sooo many possibilities at the South Tahoe Fall Fish Fest.

We’ve Got A Penguin XMas Parade Over Here!

So this is a thing…a thing that is very real and very awesome.  This is brought to us from wacky little South Korea, the least insane of the far eastern power players.  This is just adorable as shit.  This is going down at a theme park (whose theme is apparently to kick ass and take names) to kick off the Christmas celebration.  I’ll be perfectly honest and tell you that prior to writing this I had no idea asiental even fucked with Christmas let alone dressing up penguins in little Santa and elf suits.  But if you’re going to be the only East Asia nation to recognize Baby Jesus and the manger this is how you do it.  I really feel like Baby JC would have much preferred this over some frankenses or mir.  And in all honesty I would probably just trade the gold for a Penguin XMas Parade anyway.  Job well done South Korea, job well done.  The world has been put on notice, South Korea is Christmasing for keeps this year.  Step ya game up ‘Murica! we can’t be losing holidays to the Koreans.

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Never had to tell a small asian child to fuck off until right this moment

Hey you little Korean kid in the Yankees hat, don’t think I don’t see the NY on the side of your hat? The fuck is that about? Who the hell wears the logo on the side of the hat? Although as a man with a mean PigTail/Poof-Ball Hat game I can respect the hustle.

#PoofBallHat

So I Guess I’m Assembling a Real-Life Scooby Doo Team Now?

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I guess this is where my life has come to now.  In my late 20’s and all I want to do is assemble a kick ass Scooby Doo Team but whatever, the heart wants what it wants.  (It’s crazy how somethings in life just are.  Just not really meant to be understood. Right Bobby Griffin x3?) Plus I’m going to be the co-owner of my very own thoroughly kick ass gold mining ghost town ft/ a bar and liquor license very shortly that would be a perfect setting for a little Scooby Dooin’ around.  From what I envision a Scooby Doo Team  would basically consist of hanging around getting stoned with your friends in a bitchin’ custom van, go on some random adventures, eat sandwiches and solve a few mysteries.  I LOVE all of those things!

I would like to campaign right here and now for Shaggy being the sneaky greatest role of all time.  Sure, it’s true that Fred is definitely putting the screws to Daphne but that leaves Velma all cold and alone on those long nights in sketchy ass remote locations.  She may be a tad on the mousey side but I have to believe there’s a little sex kitten locked up in there.  Don’t know why, just a hunch.  It’s not like Shaggy would really even have to try that hard, Velma is a girl and girls are infinitesimally jealous if one of their friends is getting some steady D right in front of them.  Amplify that by 1000x when said girls are part of a traveling foursome in a shaggin wagon.  Let Fred romp around all day and night with the two chatty broads while Shaggy wanders around kickin it with Scoob doin the whole getting stoned eating sandwiches bit.  To surmise Shaggy gets to hang out with his dog, smokin J’s, eatin snacks and then returns to the van for some effort-free sex with a slightly frumpy but overall cute girl.  Shaggy.

Go Navy! Beat Army! Stop Bangin Goats!

“Join the Navy, they said. See the world and gain valuable life experiences they promised. Not one motherfucking time did anyone mention having to rape a goat on national TV in a wintry mix. Such bullshit!”

Seriously though that is a tough, tough look for that guy and really for the United States Navy as a whole. For a service with a questionable reputation of buggery at sea they should probably try to cut down on the bestiality on terra firma.  Havent they ever heard “its not gay underway, its only queer at the pier”? Fucking midshipmen cant get anything right.

PS –
Just for the record:

ARMY    07
NAVY    34

That makes a clean dozen in a row for The Midshipmen over The Cadets. Suck it Army.

Go Navy! Beat Army!

China Buys $73.6mil Worth of British Pig Semen Becuase That’s Not Weird At All

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Huff Po – China and Britain have reportedly sealed a trade deal that would export $73.6 million worth of British pig semen in an effort to satisfy growing Chinese demand for high-quality pork, according to CNBC.   Although China consumes more swine and has more pigs than any other nation, the country’s stock is of poor quality. Enter British hogs, whose semen will help produce a fitter, healthier, more productive breed of the other white meat.  Four artificial insemination plants are set to start pumping out massive loads of pig semen next year. The agreement allows for either fresh or frozen semen to be shipped to China depending on demand.

You know with all of the talk these days about Iranian nukes, crazed North Korean dictators, mind-blowing levels of corruption on the run up to the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi Russia and slave labor being used to construct World Cup Stadiums in Qatar it was starting to feel like the reliably creepy China had maybe seen their batshit crazy hey day pass.  That maybe the wild haired, drunken frat boy China of old that made tremendous impulse decisions after their 17th shot of Maotai had lost the good fastball.  But just when you start to lose faith crazy old China comes ambling up slurring, cross-eyed (is that racist?) and holding $73 million worth of Grade A British pig semen under their arm.  Absolutely perfect. Love you China, you insane sonofabitch, lets go do a beer bong and see where the night takes us.

PS –

There are very few people on this planet I am less enviouse of than any of the people employed at Swine Artifical Insemination Plants.  That place must smell like a vile house of horrors.  The stench of pig semen wafting through the factory air mixing with the sweet warm smell of running machinery.  Just gagged a little bit typing that sentence.

LION CUB ALERT AT THE SAN DIEGO ZOO!

Ladies & gentlemen we have a full blown Lion Cub Alert at the San Diego Zoo!

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These two adorable little cubs were born at the San Diego Safari Park on December 6th and let me be among the first to say these things are cute as hell! Just want to cuddle the shit out of them. I bet baby lions are crazy soft. Just wrestling around and mauling small critters and taking naps. Get me some lion cubs!

They’re not on display at the moment and don’t have names yet but both of those things should be changing soon. When that happens rest assured I’m going to go see if I can spend an afternoon with them before they could easily remove my face from the rest of my person.

In the mean time you can follow these two here at the Safari Parks FB where they’ve been posting pictures.

I’m Back!

Beatbox Internal Monolog: Alright today’s the day we’re getting OLL going again! How should we kick this off? A video with chicks on horses? Done done and done. Beatbox you clever bastard

Hey everybody! Welcome back to OneLastLine, I know I haven’t been around much these last few months but rest assured I am back and intend to be in full swing keeping you mutts as entertained as possible as we all make our way through this work a day world.

Please accept the following video as a token of my gratitude for not only your patients with my unpredictable writing schedule but also for comming back. This video is sorta-NSFW, no nakedness but it is scorching fucking hot,  One of the hottest things I’ve ever seen and I’ve had sex with a real girl before. Seriously toss in some headphones, hit play and enjoy:

If this isn’t the hottest 1:06 of your Monday morning then Bravo good sir, Bravo