editor’s note: this is a blog that I wrote way back when this happened (sometime in February I think?) but just never posted for some reason but I feel like the week of Halloween is a good time to post a story about a house getting egged.
LA Times – Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputies are serving a felony search warrant at the Calabasas residence of singer Justin Bieber in connection to an investigation into an egging incident at his neighbor’s home. Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said eight people are being detained inside Bieber’s home, including the singer. Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputies are serving a felony search warrant at the Calabasas residence of singer Justin Bieber in connection to an investigation into an egging incident at his neighbor’s home. Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said eight people are being detained inside Bieber’s home, including the singer. Whitmore said the egging incident was determined to be a felony because it caused several thousand dollars worth of damage. Nagelmann said the neighbor told deputies he had seen Bieber throwing the eggs. The offense in the initial police report is listed as misdemeanor vandalism, according to the Sheriff’s Department. Authorities said it was unknown what prompted the egging.
So this is the big news of Tuesday morning in the Los Angeles Times. Just splashed all over their website. Which I’m going to take as great news because it obviously means that all of the other problems in the greater-LA area have apparently been solved. You can sleep with doors unlocked tonight Los Angeles! All crime has been solved.
That being said, as the pre-eminent smut blogger in the American Southwest I would not be fullfilling the office I was sworn into if I didnt mention this because to be quite honest this whole thing a bit perplexing. First off how the hell do you even rack up several grand in property damage throwing eggs? I mean I knew that pop royalty like The Biebs are goign to have access to the finer things in life but what was he throwing, Elephant Bird eggs? Really nice to see that the Sheriffs didnt over react or anything with a dawn raid on Casa de Biebs in search of, eggs I guess?
This is the video from Yasiel’s arrest for driving 110mph on a Florida Highway a few weeks back. My key takeaway from this video as a mediocre a best Spanish speaker is this: Yasiel refers to himself in the third person by his last name. Just referencing himself as “Puig”. Excellent. Just simply spectacular. I mean Puig is starting to take this whole “Ricky Being Ricky” persona to the max. This video (which is awesome) just goes to show why the off-season can not end soon enough for the Los Angeles Dodgers. They need to get this kid into their Spring Training Complex ASAP so they can attempt to keep an eye on him and maybe keep him out of trouble.
MSN – Farrah Abraham has some explaining to do. The MTV alum turned porn star has been accused of faking a relationship with Brian Dawe for the purpose of making it on VH1’s “Couples Therapy” — and some people, including fellow “Teen Mom” star Jenelle Evans, are not very happy about it. Dawe told Starcasm that the “Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom” star hired him to be her boyfriend. “Farrah told me to lie to the network and tell them the relationship was real,” Dawe said in the interview, which he also shared on his Facebook page. “I hesitated but reluctantly went along with it initially.” Dawe ended up not doing the show, leaving Abraham to face Dr. Jenn Berman alone. He told Starcasm he couldn’t go through with the alleged lie and sent an email to the producers informing them of his decision. “I decided my morals and integrity were worth more than any amount of money,” he explained. “I stepped out of the security line [at the airport] and made a life-changing decision to stand up for what I believe in and turn down the check I would be receiving for my appearance on this show.”
This walking pile of muff cabbage is a real fucking piece of work. I mean if being one of the bigger train-wrecks on Teen Mom, a show that may or may not be the harbinger of the apocalypse, isn’t enough degrading yourself for money she went out and made a full blown porn. In a desperate grab for attention and equipped with a really loose grasp on how the shelf life of fame and straight up whoring work she did some super dirty, super degrading stuff in that video (or so I’ve been told. by friends that have seen it) and then had her father negotiate the deal with Vivid for her. I suppose this is the part where I’m supposed to sympathize with her pops or something here but I think having to be te agent for your teenage daughter’s absolutely raw and filthy anal hammering porn is exactly the punishment this guys deserves for being possibly the worst person at their job since Lincoln’s Theater Security detail. Chris Rock said it best “as a father you have only one job in life: keep your daughter off the pole. If she’s dancin’ on a pole you FUCKED up!” Her father would love it if his baby girl was merely dancing on a pole in some club by the airport for dollar bills from Thai businessmen. But he done fucked up something special at raising a daughter. Pregnant before she can get her driver’s license, getting her O-ring blown out in a full fledged porn that she advertised to the world and now this, hiring some no-name schmuck to pretend to be her boy friend so she can keep the spotlight on her pathetic ass a little longer and get on some ridiculous VH1 reality show. The worst best part of this whole thing is just how perfectly homeboy played his hand. Pretends to be her boyfriend in a troubled relationship with a professional whore, believable enough to get them on the show. Then in line at the air port he just skips out, chucks up deuces and runs to the tabloids to tell everyone she was going to pay him for the whole charade but his “integrity” or whatever got in the way and he just couldn’t go through with it. Right guy, it was your integrity that suddenly crept up on you after you snaked all kinds of folks. You sure it wasn’t the fact that you knew this chick is at the “Finish Her” Mortal Kombat stage of her public (and possibly actual) life, is super desperate to stay relevant and that you would get a huge publicity boost for essentially leaving her at the Reality TV altar. Every time I think this broad has hit rock bottom she proves that its nothing but a trap door. Its crazy, she’s at a point now where she may as well just embrace that she clearly loves two things: attention and getting the bejeezus fucked out of her, and just become a full-time porn star. Whatever she does I’m sure it will be cringe educing and very public.
Can we take a second to talk about how we as a society have apparently forgotten how to properly traverse a sidewalk? I get that here at the top of the First World we aren’t Chinese sweatshop workers so we all actually own smartphones and want to play with them all of the time. For the most part I’m cool with it (unless you’re driving, then knock it off. You’re piloting a ton-and-a-half metal cruise missile through crowded streets, seriously knock it off) but there have to be some rules or at the very least some common courtesies. I’m talking specifically about how its managed to clog up and clusterfuck up sidewalks in urban areas across the US. It’s fucking ridiculous if we’re being honest. So as a public service announcement Ye Old Boston Beatbox has draw up a little advice for the peoples:
Here we have a person standing in the middle of the sidewalk dicking around on their iPhone. Shouldn’t be standing in the middle of the sidewalk like some sort of self-centered asshole. Just begging for a dropkick. Don’t do this.
If you are a reasonable person you should be glancing up from your phone every so often and if you suddenly find yourself in the middle of the sidewalk you can simply slide-step in one direction or the other. Either towards the street, like is pictured above, or inside towards the buildings, pictured below.
Either one is very acceptable and is obviously dependent on any surrounding foot traffic. But at least your doing something and not just standing there like a goddamn beaver damn in a river.
Then there are these people which sadly are the most prevelent in this little mixed up technologicaly pubecent world of ours:
Make absolutely no mistake about it, if that red line is the path you take at a meandering pace while going down a sidewalk you are just one degree short of a fucking war criminal. I’m not even sure I’m joking. There are very few things in this world that will send me flying off into a blind rage as quickly as some douche bag asshole hipster fucking around on their smartphone wandering all over the goddamn sidewalk slower than shit trying to roll uphill. Getting in the way of people just trying to get their coffee in the morning. Awful, awful people. Honestly though if you do this you should probably work on correcting that like immediately because every time you do this you take your life into your own hands.
I guess this is where my life has come to now. In my late 20’s and all I want to do is assemble a kick ass Scooby Doo Team but whatever, the heart wants what it wants. (It’s crazy how somethings in life just are. Just not really meant to be understood. Right Bobby Griffin x3?) Plus I’m going to be the co-owner of my very own thoroughly kick ass gold mining ghost town ft/ a bar and liquor license very shortly that would be a perfect setting for a little Scooby Dooin’ around. From what I envision a Scooby Doo Team would basically consist of hanging around getting stoned with your friends in a bitchin’ custom van, go on some random adventures, eat sandwiches and solve a few mysteries. I LOVE all of those things!
I would like to campaign right here and now for Shaggy being the sneaky greatest role of all time. Sure, it’s true that Fred is definitely putting the screws to Daphne but that leaves Velma all cold and alone on those long nights in sketchy ass remote locations. She may be a tad on the mousey side but I have to believe there’s a little sex kitten locked up in there. Don’t know why, just a hunch. It’s not like Shaggy would really even have to try that hard, Velma is a girl and girls are infinitesimally jealous if one of their friends is getting some steady D right in front of them. Amplify that by 1000x when said girls are part of a traveling foursome in a shaggin wagon. Let Fred romp around all day and night with the two chatty broads while Shaggy wanders around kickin it with Scoob doin the whole getting stoned eating sandwiches bit. To surmise Shaggy gets to hang out with his dog, smokin J’s, eatin snacks and then returns to the van for some effort-free sex with a slightly frumpy but overall cute girl. Shaggy.
“Join the Navy, they said. See the world and gain valuable life experiences they promised. Not one motherfucking time did anyone mention having to rape a goat on national TV in a wintry mix. Such bullshit!”
Seriously though that is a tough, tough look for that guy and really for the United States Navy as a whole. For a service with a questionable reputation of buggery at sea they should probably try to cut down on the bestiality on terra firma. Havent they ever heard “its not gay underway, its only queer at the pier”? Fucking midshipmen cant get anything right.
Just for the record:
ARMY 07 NAVY 34
That makes a clean dozen in a row for The Midshipmen over The Cadets. Suck it Army.
We all know that joke. Its one of the first knock knock jokes and just one of the first jokes overall that we all learn in kindergarten right? Wrong. I recently got to tell a grown person, a 23 year old grown person whom grew up in good old ‘Murcia that joke for the first time. That itself is absolutely ludicrous to the point I didn’t even believe it so I started telling the joke assuming I would get cut off because that joke is annoying after the age of 7 or 8 (those that read the above can attest) but I didn’t get stopped. Turns out it was truth and watching a grown adult hear and react to the “Orange you glad I didn’t say banana” punchline for the first time ever was an awesome experience. Havent gotten to tell an old standard for the first time in a long time. A different experience for sure, overall I give it a 7.5