Category Archives: Seattle

Fixies with No Brakes


I actually had the misfortune of over hearing one hipster telling another about how he used to own a fixie with no brakes. The other hipster then responded that that’s how all fixies should be. The line of logic I believe at play here is that being able to stop the vehicle a person is currently taddling atop while cruising around a metropolitan area that located mostly on the sides and peaks pf various hills is super confprmist and being a blood stain at the base of any of these hills is awesomely ironic. Fucking christ man, I hate to be the one that says it but these people need to go and just right properly fuck off. Why would you ever want a thing like brakes when you can just blow through four way intersections and buy a new pair of canverse every other week because the soles fell out. Which is super hip, you guys.

The thing of it is I wasn’t even in South Park or Golden Hill when this happened. That kind of thing I understand, my tolerance for hipster bullshit goes way up whenever Im forced into those nieghborhoods. It would be like going to Hillcrest and complaining about dudes holding hands in front of Rich’s or being upset at the sight of homeless people at the end of the OB Pier. But this, no this was dt in Litaly. In front of the Ballast Point Tasting Room.  Tell you what though I honestly hope this bag of mush gets his wish and all fixie bicycles have their brakes removed. Nothing says non-conformist like SDPD scaping a tangled mess of skinny jeans, mustache wax, a fixed gear bike and a banjo off of the back of an MTS bus parked at the bottom of B Street Hill.


pictured: B St Hill

NFL Division Round Picks

Went 1-1-2 ATS Wildcard Weekend after getting lucky and locking in the Chiefs +1 early on in the week.  I went 2-2 if you take the point spread out of things, so the absolute definition of mediocrity.  Could have been worse though so we’re going to put that all behind us, its the Divisional Round and we have a whole new slate of games.  The power players are all in action this week and we have four regular season rematches with one of them being the third act in an AFC West drama.  Lets get on with the picks for the Divisional Round of the 2013 National Football League Playoffs:

New Orleans @ Seattle (-7.5)

You know this isn’t what New Orleans wanted to see.  Fresh off of the franchise’s first ever road playoff win against an over-matched Eagles team they now get to travel up to the Pac Northwest and their own personal House of Horrors.  The last time we saw the Saints travel to The Emerald City the Seahawks took Drew Brees & Co out behind the woodshed and gave them some Deliverence style hospitality on MNF for all the world to see.  New Orleans last playoff trip to Seattle wasnt any better, that was the game where the defending Super Bowl Champs were introduced to a freshly de-Buffalo’ed Marshawn Lynch who went fucking BEASTMODE on the entire Saints defense, emasculating them all individually in the process.

The Picks:

ATS: Seahwaks – 7.5

Moving on to the NFC Championship Game:

Indy (+7) @ New England

After a ridiculous and frantic comeback in the second half at home last week for his first career playoff victory Andrew Luck will now lead his Colts into Foxboro to attempt to get his first road playoff win.  The Colts come in about as hot as they possibly can and are the trendy pick for a surprise Super Bowl run.  Unfortunately for the Colts the only reason they had to complete the second greatest comeback in NFL post season hearing and all of the heroics from Shrek Luck was because in the biggest game of his career to date he played about as poorly as possible for the first 30 min.  That shit will not fly this weekend.  That’s not Fat Andy Reid and a Chiefs franchise that has the stink of failure hanging over them across the field on Saturday evening.  While this Patriots defense has had crippling injury after crippling injury this year I simply can not envision Luck overcoming all of those mistakes a second time especially since this incarnation of the Patriot offense can take the ball and grind 6min of game time off of the clock if need be.

The picks:

ATS: Colts +7

Moving on to the AFC Championship Game:

San Francisco @ Carolina (+1.5)

.The 49ers come into this game fresh off of one of the colder games in recent memory in a dirt parking lot in Green Bay that provided the perfect ending to a truly Wildcard Weekend facing Cam Newton in his post-season debut.  After road teams went 3-1 in the Wildcard Weekend SF is appartently the sexy pick as this weekends road victors.  I don’t see it.  The Panthers have been one of the best teams in football the last several m,onthysa and thats not because of Cam but rather because of their defense.  In what should be a hard hitting and low scoring affair the Panthers should improve to 2-0 vs SF this season as the defense should carry them ton victory.

The Picks:

ATS: Panthers + 1.5

Moving on to the NFC Championship Game:

San Diego (+9.5) @ Denver

The Chargers have a little bit of momentum, go into Mile High as the only team in football to beat Peyton in Denver this season and they have every reason in the world to believe in themselves.  For that exact same reason I’m picking against the Chargers straight up this week. This is what I said in my picks column from last week about the San Diego Super Chargers, “they sabotage themselves in games they’re supposed to win and somehow pull out Ws when absolutely nobody expects it” and I was right.  Now I’m going to ride that philosophy this week.  When you factor in the point spread I like the Chargers because the simply do not get blown out.

The Picks:

ATS: Chargers +9.5

Moving on to the AFC Championship Game:

Can We Talk About How To Walk Down The Sidewalk?

Can we take a second to talk about how we as a society have apparently forgotten how to properly traverse a sidewalk? I get that here at the top of the First World we aren’t Chinese sweatshop workers so we all actually own smartphones and want to play with them all of the time.  For the most part I’m cool with it (unless you’re driving, then knock it off. You’re piloting a ton-and-a-half metal cruise missile through crowded streets, seriously knock it off) but there have to be some rules or at the very least some common courtesies.  I’m talking specifically about how its managed to clog up and clusterfuck up sidewalks in urban areas across the US.  It’s fucking ridiculous if we’re being honest.  So as a public service announcement Ye Old Boston Beatbox has draw up a little advice for the peoples:

SidewalkHere we have a person standing in the middle of the sidewalk dicking around on their iPhone. Shouldn’t be standing in the middle of the sidewalk like some sort of self-centered asshole.  Just begging for a dropkick. Don’t do this.

Sidewalk_StreetSideIf you are a reasonable person you should be glancing up from your phone every so often and if you suddenly find yourself in the middle of the sidewalk you can simply slide-step in one direction or the other. Either towards the street, like is pictured above, or inside towards the buildings, pictured below.

Sidewalk_InsideEither one is very acceptable and is obviously dependent on any surrounding foot traffic.  But at least your doing something and not just standing there like a goddamn beaver damn in a river.

Then there are these people which sadly are the most prevelent in this little mixed up technologicaly pubecent world of ours:

Sidewalk_WrongMake absolutely no mistake about it, if that red line is the path you take at a meandering pace while going down a sidewalk you are just one degree short of a fucking war criminal.  I’m not even sure I’m joking.  There are very few things in this world that will send me flying off into a blind rage as quickly as some douche bag asshole hipster fucking around on their smartphone wandering all over the goddamn sidewalk slower than shit trying to roll uphill.  Getting in the way of people just trying to get their coffee in the morning.  Awful, awful people.  Honestly though if you do this you should probably work on correcting that like immediately because every time you do this you take your life into your own hands.

Jennifer Dao Must Have Been The Hottest Non-White Girl in Minnesota

Jennifer Dao is a Vietnamese/French Hot Import Model that is somehow from Minnesota.  She had to have been the hottest not white girl in that entire state.  She did the logical thing that unbelievably sexy girls do and she moved to the West Coast.  But daring to be different she moved to Seattle and avoided taking the LA route.  I can for sure respect that kind of thinking and the whole “dare to be different” thing except for the part where Seattle, while a definite improvement from Minneapolis, is still a pretty damp and often dreary place.  Anyway according to her Model Tale of the Tape page she is 5’1 and weighs in at an astounding 100lbs even which means she is a spinner.  So that’s pretty cool.

Been a big time run for Asian women here at OneLastLine this week.  You’d almost think I had a thing for asian girls or something. Weird….

Continue reading

I See You Charissa Thompson


Charissa Thompson humblebrahged a Twit pic of her dope place during Sunday’s 10am blizzard games. Love how she did this under the pretense of “the snow on TV literally 3500 miles away is making me cold”. Just such an absurd claim, even though it has been cold here in SoCal for like a week or so…

Her blanket draped legs are barley even visable in the picture and there isn’t even a hint of an ember in that awesome looking fireplace. Lets be real for a second if I can, I wish Beatbox Central had high cielings, soft recessed lighting illuminating what appears to be an awesome TV (what is that a Samsung?) nestled above an amazing (and apparently under utilized fireplace). Class and sophistication for days on end. Charissa Thompson, I see what you’re doing and I respect it.

PS –
If that fireplace isn’t functional then I take back pretty much everything I said. A fake fireplace is straight poor people shit.

Bobby Cano to the Mariners. No, Really the Seattle Mariners

baristaScoured the interwebs for a pic of a pretty girl in a Mariner’s shirt or hat.  This is what I’m posting. I’ll let you do the math.  Get your shit together Seattle, you’re still technically part of the West Coast.

Not sure if Hova is the best or worst agent in baseball right now because yes he did get a team to  pony up $240 mil over 10yrs for Bobby Cano, but that team is the SEATTLE MARINERS.  Not exactly on the verge of winning a World Series in the near future in the Emerald City.  I understand that the kid is a tremendously talented player and all but that kind of scratch for a 29yr old 2B that has a tendency to lollygag around the diamond from time to time is a HUGE gamble for a franchise that is in no way financially capable of surviving this deal blowing up in their face. The Yankees can print their own currency and look what AFraud’s quaterbillion dollar albatross is doing to the Bombers. No chance Seattle could survive the fallout of this deal going bust.
That being said I feel like King Felix Hernandez is grinning ear to ear right now. Can’t knock the M’s for at least going out and spending in an attempt to reward King Felix for his loyalty to the franchise. If I was a Mariner’s fan I would love this move, as an impartial observer I don’t hate the move. I get what Seattle is trying to do and I respect the hell out of them for being ballsy enough to spend some loot in an attempt at closing the gap in the AL West and not potentially waste the career of one of the game’s best arms.  Although Cano’s power numbers should drop quite a bit in the mosoleum he’ll now be calling home in Safeco Field.

marinersRIP919Mariner’s Baseball!

PS –

I get that Robinson Cano has roughly 240 million reasons he could name as to why Seattle and I respect that.  But this is the kind of move you make when you just want to play baseball and be filthy rich and have zero interest in winning.  Nothing wrong with that, just have to acknowledge it.  Unless he signed with Seattle because Jesus Montero got sent to the Pac North West from the Bronx in the Joel Pineda deal.