Category Archives: Limited Availability!

Jameis Winston Even Shakes Hands Better Than Everyone Else

So I know today everybody is going to be all wrapped up in that ridiculous National Title Game.  I’m happy to see the BCS go the fuck away and what a way to send it out.  Probably the best college football game since Texas-USC in the Rose Bowl.  Jameis played like a Heisman Trophy winner should and made all the big plays he had to down the stretch.  Just an exhilarating football game all the way around,  That’s not what we’re here for though, you’ll get enough of that talk elsewhere today.  What i want to talk about is Jameis Winston’s handshake with Jimbo Fisher’s son Tyler.  Did everyone else see that on ESPN’s 8 hour pregame show? If not take a second and check this out:

That thing is fucking straight up magical.  I havent been able to stop thinking about it since I saw it for the first time yesterday.  Every time I watch it I get more and more enchanted with the whole operation.  How in the hell am I supposed to go on knowing that I do not have a handshake anywhere near that dope with a single person on the planet?  It’s quite honestly begining to drive me a bit mad.  I mean I generally think I’m pretty gotdamn fly but now I’m just sitting here re-evaluating everything I though I knew about myself.  I don’t ever make New Year’s Resolutions and I dig that I’m a week late but you can write this down now: I will have a wicked complicated 37 step handshake with at least one human person by 2015.

PS –

Yup, I think I can safely say that Jameis Winston’s handshake with a 12 year old is officially the proud owner of a nice piece of real estate in my head.  Well played.

Double PS –

Don’t worry Johnny Manziel, didn’t forget about you. Looks like you’re enjoying the offseason thus far

still my favorite

I want to be Johnny Manziel for one day.  That’s all I’m asking for, 24 hours. One day in the life of Johnny Football.  Pure unadulterated madness…

Johnny Football Manziel’s Final College Game is Appointment Television

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Welp folks this is it. 5pm PST in the Chick-fil-A Bowl the world of college football will bid farewell to Johnny Football. I am so excited for this game I can’t even describe it. Sorry Duke, you’ve had a great year and all but you are the lambs being led to slaughter.  Im hoping for the full on Johnny Manziel experience. Im talking hang 70 points throw for 400 yds and run for another 300 all while racking up 150yds in personal fouls for unsportsmanlike conduct.  For my money he cant go far enough, come out in a fur coast like Joe Willy Goddamn Namath, gold ropes on the field like he’s PrimeTime.  Fuck a Duke cheeleader in the middle of the 3rd quarter.  Nothing is going to be over the top enough for me. Please Johnny Football, for me, for the kids but most importantly for ‘Murica! put on The Ritz on this New Years Eve.

Goodnight sweet prince, the world of college football will miss you way more than you will miss it

See-Through Pool Tables Are Real And They Are Spectacular

A stranger commercial or advertisement or investor pitch or whatever that was these Irish eyes have never seen but I’ll be Kim Kardashian’s OBGYN if that wasn’t crazy effective.  Weird ass soundtrack aside that video made that table look sexy as fuck.  I mean ten minutes ago I wasn’t even aware that pool billiards tables with a “patented transparent vitrik playing surface” and now I’m panicking wondering how I’ve managed to survive this long without one.  Honestly I’m not sure how much longer I can go on with this little life of mine carrying with me the knowledge that something this awesome exists and I do not posses it.   The imagination strolls through some dark places when I start thinking about all of the endless degenerate possibilities. Just oozes class and sophistication.  Need one and I need one three months ago.

Scientists Claim the Number of Women Admitting to Girl on Girl Action Has Quadrupled

Guardian – A new study has just been released showing that the number of women in Britain who engage in lesbian experiences has risen drastically. Back in 1990, just 1.8 percent of women participated in lesbian dalliances or relationships, while the new study found that 8 percent of women in Britain had experienced at least one lesbian encounter. The number includes women who identify as primarily lesbian as well as women who identify as having a sexual orientation other than lesbian, and represents a quadrupling of the previous numbers. Breaking the statistics down for lesbian experiences in Britain by age, a clear pattern emerges that tells researchers more young women are exploring lesbian sexuality. In the age group between 35 and 44, 12 percent of women experienced lesbian encounters while that number rose even higher in women ages 16-24. That age group saw 19 percent of women saying they had had a lesbian experience while the 25 to 34 year old group found 18 percent of women had had at least one lesbian experience.

Well, well well.  If this isn’t just the sexiest scientific survey result I’ve ever had the pleasure of laying my eyes on.  The number of women who have scissored a chick is up from slightly under 2% to a robust 8%.  Thats over a 400% increase in girl-on-girl sexy time in the last twenty years.  Fucking awesome.  It’s already pretty incredible when you think that if you are on a bus (Bang Bus?) with 10 women the odds are that one of them knows what a vagina tastes like, but then they go ahead and break the whole thing down by age demgraphic.  Thats where these numbers really start to turn (no pun intended, but totally pun intended): a robust 19% of women between the ages of 16-24 have gone muff diving and the 25-34 age group checks in with a pretty righteous 18%.  That means that if you are sitting in a bar and there are 40 girls born between 1979 – 1997 statistically speaking 9.5 have done some clit bumpin and grindin.  (although if they are born between 1995 – 1997 you shouldn’t be thinking about them like that because they are under 18 and thats just gross.  That sentence made me feel really old.  I remember the early 90’s.  Fuck I need a drink.) Truly a spectacular time to be a young relatively young man in a first world democracy.

PS –

These numbers can obviously only reflect that 18% of 25 – 34yr old women are willing to ADMIT to having lesbian relations, my feeling is that the actual real honest to god number is probably closer 28%.

Double PS –

Should we do a little Girl on Girl Gallery to celebrate?  I think we should, right? Ya you know what, lets do that:

GirlOnGirl

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Pretty Sure I Found The Creepiest XMas Commercial of the Season

If that clip doesn’t make you go “bbuuuuhhhhhuu” accompanied by a shutter and maybe a dry heave then you are one fucking twisted puppy.  Make no mistake about it there was zero coincidence between one of the perviest looking pitchmen of all time making one of the perviest noises possible while the shot of the chicks in a jaccuzzi was his backdrop. “Everything Santa needs to slide down the chimney with an aahhh” will possibly haunt me for the rest of the Christmas Season.  Super fucking skeeved out right about now.

PS –

If you buy someone a ping pong table table or a jaccuzzi for Christmas I’m fairly certain I hate you and probably everything you stand for.

China Buys $73.6mil Worth of British Pig Semen Becuase That’s Not Weird At All

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Huff Po – China and Britain have reportedly sealed a trade deal that would export $73.6 million worth of British pig semen in an effort to satisfy growing Chinese demand for high-quality pork, according to CNBC.   Although China consumes more swine and has more pigs than any other nation, the country’s stock is of poor quality. Enter British hogs, whose semen will help produce a fitter, healthier, more productive breed of the other white meat.  Four artificial insemination plants are set to start pumping out massive loads of pig semen next year. The agreement allows for either fresh or frozen semen to be shipped to China depending on demand.

You know with all of the talk these days about Iranian nukes, crazed North Korean dictators, mind-blowing levels of corruption on the run up to the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi Russia and slave labor being used to construct World Cup Stadiums in Qatar it was starting to feel like the reliably creepy China had maybe seen their batshit crazy hey day pass.  That maybe the wild haired, drunken frat boy China of old that made tremendous impulse decisions after their 17th shot of Maotai had lost the good fastball.  But just when you start to lose faith crazy old China comes ambling up slurring, cross-eyed (is that racist?) and holding $73 million worth of Grade A British pig semen under their arm.  Absolutely perfect. Love you China, you insane sonofabitch, lets go do a beer bong and see where the night takes us.

PS –

There are very few people on this planet I am less enviouse of than any of the people employed at Swine Artifical Insemination Plants.  That place must smell like a vile house of horrors.  The stench of pig semen wafting through the factory air mixing with the sweet warm smell of running machinery.  Just gagged a little bit typing that sentence.

LION CUB ALERT AT THE SAN DIEGO ZOO!

Ladies & gentlemen we have a full blown Lion Cub Alert at the San Diego Zoo!

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These two adorable little cubs were born at the San Diego Safari Park on December 6th and let me be among the first to say these things are cute as hell! Just want to cuddle the shit out of them. I bet baby lions are crazy soft. Just wrestling around and mauling small critters and taking naps. Get me some lion cubs!

They’re not on display at the moment and don’t have names yet but both of those things should be changing soon. When that happens rest assured I’m going to go see if I can spend an afternoon with them before they could easily remove my face from the rest of my person.

In the mean time you can follow these two here at the Safari Parks FB where they’ve been posting pictures.